Waking up this morning, praying for people, I remembered many of my past cats, missing them, and then I remembered “Talking Kitty Cat” Sylvester, a youtube channel by Steve Cash. Steve Cash killed himself April 16th, 2020. Its real.
Here’s Steve’s most popular video:
What gets us, in the course of a day, to the point of killing ourselves? Unless you’ve been here, words fail. I went years not wanting to be here, for good reasons too, all of which are still here. So why am I here, and how can I be happy?
There is a difference between not wanting to live, and wanting to die. For me that difference is what I call “girl pain.” As in romance. Heart break is the only thing still dangerous in my life. When broken hearted, I do want to die. The other stuff, I just don’t want to live. There’s a life and death difference between the two.
Romance is fatal because it actually matters. Being alone, no wife, no kids, no family, is a terrible way to live. I have always only ever been alone. I’ve lost friends to suicide, killing themselves from romance pains. I am still alone, and accept that I could well be alone for the rest of my life, a life I do not want to live. Fortunately I’ll die someday, and this life of suffering will be lost and moot. And it might be that I do find the love of my life, what’s left of it, and form a family. But I really don’t think so.
As for just not wanting to be here, that’s a different kind of suffering. Not “girl pain” but “pain in the ass” pain. Inconvenience and futility. Like “What’s the point anyway?” The grind. I can take the grind, and really the grind is largely illusory. And this is where Americanism came in and saved me. God has always been here, and now I see and experience reality and true living. Were it not for my sufferings, I would not understand the importance and value of spiritual life.
The meaning of life is to be here.
The purpose of life is to live it. I live my life back to God. For better or worse, my life is God’s life for me to live. I am a living part of God’s creation. Why we are here, is to be here. God is in love with the efforts of creatures striving to live, despite being powerless and mortal. Valuable to the being of omnipotence. God loves that I try to do what’s right, no matter what. We are all adorable to God in this way.
And I’ll live for however long that happens to be. No longer or shorter, here then gone. And in death, I do wonder, do I go where God cannot follow? That’s quite the question. The answer? Who cares.
So really, my life comes down to now. At all times, I favor my well being over a panic of just being here. The state of my day. I get to do things I care about. And I care about lots of things. I can’t do them all, so I pick the one thing that is most beneficial, and do that. Then the next, until I run out of productive energy, and then I play.
What matters is that I am true to myself, that I am productive for myself, that I am simply competent in what I do. And when I get to help others, I do that well. Value, productivity. And where I cannot help, I do not “try anyway” because that only makes things worse. So how am I to feel about all of this? Life? Is there a choice anyway? Yes, there is.
Gratitude.
When I lived as an ego driven ideologist, nothing was ever good enough, I could always have done more, everything is wrong and its my fault I’ve not fixed eternity yet! I’m the worst ever, except I’m the best ever. And so forth. Shit nuts. My ego was the condemning false God of my earlier life. The Beast.
Many people’s experience of “God” is their experience of ego, and it ain’t good. Rightly so. Religion, where things are certain, entitled and controlled. Knowledge, where things feel certain, entitled and in control. Ego driven ideology. Madness. Most people live this way their entire lives. Perfection is unobtainable, beyond reach.
But in becoming an American, finding spiritual life, finding God, not my God posing ego, I’ve found too, that perfection describes normal. Perfection is unavoidable. We are perfect precisely as God made us. I don’t worry about it anymore. I like me, the way I am. I am free to focus on what I want, and how to get what I want. No more wasting time wondering about myself. Who cares? Not me. 🙂
All of those ego induced consternations disappeared. Poof! They were illusory ideas, born of ego driven ideology. The absence of consternation is serenity.
Spirituality is trusting beyond your ability to see and understand. Knowledge has no place in spiritual living. Knowledge is just an emotion, the emotion of religion, nothing more. And when you’ve lost the need to be certain, no longer demand expectations of “just because”, and out grow the delusion of being in control, well, that emotion of knowledge loses its value too. I no longer have the “need” to “know.”
In place of madness, ego driven ideology, I experience pride. Pride as an American isn’t boastful as it is in ego driven ideology, but gratitude, for being able to participate. This is a true indication of your status as an American.
Gratitude is how I feel, even though all of those things I mentioned earlier, are still true. I can rightly take my grievances and stew on them, feeling sorry for myself. But I’d have to ignore the many things healthy about my life, of which I am grateful. This is a choice. This is the choice. So how am I to feel about all of this? Life? Is there a choice anyway? Yes, there is. I choose Americanism over ego driven ideology.
The state of the day.
The state of the day depends entirely on the state of yourself. Good bad or otherwise, you do choose how to feel about it. If you are still ego driven ideology, by default you’ve chosen to be miserable. Your other choice is to be an American, discover spiritual life, and actually live.
As an ego driven ideology, you are a useful tool for the interests of others. As an American, you are a blessing to yourself and those who have the good fortune to know you.
What do you want? To kill yourself and others, or to save yourself and others? If you could have peace, would you? Hate saved me when love rippingly begged for death. I wish Steve Cash had some hate in him, he’d probably still be here. Love and hate, we have these for a reason. To those of you at this point of killing, hate can save you where love does not. Vendetta, mission. Endure in hate, and immigrate to Americanism. Now. You can always kill later.
Perseverance eventually got me to Americanism. I am now someone I’m happy to know. I have a life still troubled, but giving too. And as an American, life improves. I spent decades being an ego driven ideology. All the more valuable my Americanism is today.
I close with a two part video, of someone who is still here, though an ego driven ideologist wouldn’t understand why. How about you?
The love of God, God’s adoration of us, that we persists in our loving back by staying.
Lose your ego, embrace God.
Don’t fail where it counts.
Be American. Stay American.
David Weeks, Information Developer, Tampa, Florida. God love us.