(This is an excerpt from the work-in-progress book called: “Americanism. The Life Guiding Principles of Freedom.” As a work in progress, the final version will likely be different.)
By ego, I am referring to that thing in us (the biblical beast?) that is never satisfied, always fearful, and utterly condemning of ourselves and everything else too. We see it in politics, experience in our own anxiety and self-condemnation, and are quick to judge others by it. Ego is the condemning false god of life. The biblical beast in each of us.
So never mind the dictionary definition that claims ego to be the “self.” For the sake of emphatic clarity, when I use the word ego, think “ego God.” Ego is not the self, it is only ancillary to self, an early artifact of cognition. We are not our egos, and our egos are not anything at all, except an instinctual noise that when coupled with language and the emotion of “knowledge”, exists to haunt, harm and murder our well being.
This is not apparent to most people, who have never thought, let alone lived, outside and apart from their ego. I get push back on this, suggesting that ego is a good thing, and who we are. Nope. Never has been, never will be. They offer in argument, that the dictionary says so. So? Its wrong. Its just dogma. So what? (The second rule of irrefutable understanding: “Reality is what it is, regardless of what we think it is, or want it to be.”) I recognize in those who push back a range of response, from a spark of panic or doubt, to full on denial and defense of their God ego. They hold on with all they’ve got, to their ego God, while asserting that life is miserable and meaningless. They are incapable of learning. They are never happy. It is never their fault.
About dogma (ideology in language), it can be anything from the bible to official government “laws,” basically anything in language, including this. Dogma presents an understandable, and expected controllable presentation of life, to ego’s need for such a thing, by which “we” (ego) can evaluate and control life and living. Except dogma does not, and we cannot, command reality.
Dogma fosters the emotion of “knowledge” that feeds ego’s expectation and entitlement, ending with ego’s resentment and rage—when said dogma ends up being nothing more than error inducing noise. Because we (ego) put our faith in dogma, and not God, we blame reality for not conforming to how things “are supposed to be.”
We are not God. We do not control anything except our choices. Dogma is a choice, to accept it as real, when its just a bunch of words. Nothing in language is real. Oh, and reality? Reality is perfect.
Blind to any connection between their faith in their ego God, and the misery of their life, ego driven people live and die loyal to their ego God. Their beast.
Breaking Ego
My personal breakthrough was one day when I stopped and looked at what I was doing to myself, with all the crazy bullshit ego driven expectations I had for myself. I recognized that I was abusing myself as badly as those abusers of my earlier life. And it broke. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Only then did it clarify, that there was a “voice” in me, that was not me, that I had trusted and followed, that gave me the sentiment of these crazy expectations as the means to greatness.
What the fuck? Greatness? Really? I’m a mortal human being, an animal. At what point would that egotistical idea of greatness ever be possible? Never. What the fuck am I doing to myself? Hurting me, not loving me. That’s what.
No more.
And that was it. I finally saw, and stopped abusing myself at the behest of my demented, all hateful ego (recently fired as my God). Years later, I had to make amends to those I had hurt, and the hardest amends I had to make were to myself. I had to simultaneously make amends and forgive—myself, for following my ego for so long. My ego didn’t want me to make amends or forgive myself, by the way, for abusing myself all those years, for following it, because I am such a “fuck up” and deserve to be miserable! Fortunately, I no longer followed my ego, and where I was short on an ability to amend or forgive, I ask God for the ability to do so. I wanted too, even when I could not.
And still do. Those things that I can and cannot do, they are not indications of right or wrong, correct or incorrect. In spiritual life, led by my sincerity, through faith in God, and all that is beyond my ability to see and understand, in spiritual life those questions: “Who am I?” and “Who/What is God?” are nonsensical. We are what we are, so what difference does it make what that happens to be? None. What matters is what I want to do, why, and my competence in doing it. My work is in learning how to do a thing, not in my suitability at doing it, as that cannot be changed. And only through effort and experience am I able to learn what I can and cannot do. And in finding those things, they are who I am, neither good or bad, just informative.
As a cognition engineer, I recognize ego as what we call a BIOS, or basic input/output system. Ego is an artifact of early cognition. Unfortunately, most people never out grow it, and waste their lives under its grueling command. I pray you out grow your ego, and find your way to a spiritual life. When you do, you’ll be embarrassed by puffery. Follow your sincerity, own all that is “wrong” with the world, accept it, and pursue what you can do, aided by your interest in getting it done. You’ll lose the need to be “right.” You’ll lose a fear of mistakes, and gain the ability to explore, learn and accomplish. You’ll lose your sense of inadequacy, and gain a confidence in your good nature to try.
In fact, your very emotions will be of a healthy consequence. Ego tinted emotions are foul; spiritual emotions are profound. But at this point, you cannot be told, you have to find out for yourself. God is beyond language, but not beyond experience. Only by doing can you experience what I describe here. What are you waiting for?
I turned my will and my life over to a God of my: “I’ve got no idea.” and my life is now better than ever. I also found out that I didn’t need to have an idea of who or what God happens to be, or not be. So I lost that too, my need to define God and myself. Worth repeating, both of those questions are nonsensical in spiritual living. I have faith, not hope, in God and myself. Good life, free life, my life. Yours too, if you want it.
I live my life back to God, not my ego. Cancel your ego God, love yourself. Once you’ve truly embraced yourself just as you are, you’ll find respect for yourself, and with that, love of self, and with that, an ability to love and respect others too. Truly, not falsely. This is immensely powerful, immensely rewarding, secure as our part of reality. The actual wealth of wealth.
Or, you can always pretend to be in control and better than “those” people. You won’t need my help either. “You’ve got ego God, and the dogma to match!“